Sometimes life feels more like wandering than anything else. Even when the monotony of a schedule pulses as consistently as a heart, I can feel detached from it, and wonder just what it is that I am doing with my life.

Today is my day off, and today I feel like I am wandering. What is this life for? Who do I really love? What will matter in the end?

I visited my grandmother’s grave yesterday, and reflected on the times we had together 14 years ago. She is gone, and hardly anyone even remembers her. It is a strange think to think I will join her one day in the ground.

I hope when they put me there I will have few regrets. I hope today I can live in light of that day, and do something that matters, be someone who matters. I wonder as I wander.

Whenever I read Augustine, I wonder why I read anything else. I do not mean Augustine is the only author worth reading, but rather that the depth and profundity of his ideas seems to nearly eclipse the normative (and comparative) trash I regularly find in the news or on the Internet. People are so eager to write about something new – to get you to click on their article or watch their video. In the last 24 hours I have seen so many comments on the iPhone 6 Plus possibly bending that I am tempted to believe that actually matters. Unbelievable, except for the fact that, at least for a time, I believed it today.

When I read Augustine I am reminded of the weighty matters of life – wisdom, truth, justice, integrity, love, happiness, and community. These things matters, and they are issues one is more likely to misunderstand just to the degree that one is likely to claim to understand them.

I do not claim to understand them. Yet I live many days as if my understanding is sufficient. This should be sufficient evidence that it is not.

I long for a simpler life, a life not berated by technology, a life characterized by patience, contentment, wonder, curiosity, creativity, friendship, vulnerability, and deep community.

Where am I likely to find this life? Not in the places I usually look (online). It’s so hard to break free from the monotonous rhythm of triviality our society venerates and mass-produces.

Maybe I am being too hard on myself.

I struggle deeply with anxiety, and am frustrated that our culture does not foster a healthy pace or clear vision of meaning. When I read Augustine (or many other philosophers for that matter), something in my soul resonates with the depth and seriousness with which he approaches life. Where can I find that today?

I am strong.
I lie.
I need no one.
I cry.
I own my destiny.
But why?
I am self-sufficient.
But will die.

Who can tell me what to be?
I am free.
Who can tell me what to do?
I am true.

Such is the man who to no god is bowed.
His own god he is, alone, and proud.