Have You Ever

Have you ever dreamed of being free?
From all the things you do not want to be.
Have you ever locked yourself inside?
To find that in yourself you cannot hide.
I have felt the same.
Have you ever loved and lost the fight?
For the one for whom you’d give your life.
Have you ever been afraid to die?
Feeling like you’ve wasted all your time.
I have felt the same.
Have you ever felt alone amongst a crowd?
While your loneliness screams out loud.
Have you ever felt a crushing guilt?
And wondered if you’d ever feel rebuilt.
I have felt the same.
Have you ever felt anxiety and shame?
And do not even know from where it came.
Have you ever felt like the only one?
Who struggles and perpetually feels undone.
I have felt the same.

If you feel broken, and do not know what to do,
Rest assured, I have felt the same as you.

Life and Change

Life is never what you expect, nor especially what you plan.
You can end up in places in which you never began.
Such has been my life, over this past year,
In a new place, with new friends, and in a new career.
The change I did not foresee, nor ever would I have guessed,
Yet the change, out of all possible things, is perhaps the best.
This is a good reminder of my finite perspective,
My best thoughts, on my best day, are at best defective.
And so I am learning that I am not my best guide,
There is another, greater and wiser, in whom I must abide.

Knowing

Sitting here, without reason,
telling myself, “it’s only a season.”
But life goes on, one day after another,
each seems the same, nothing new to discover.
I know what to do, to call my own bluff,
but knowing is not the problem, knowing is never enough.

Sleep

Sleep, fare friend, for what have I traded thee?
A weary mind, a distant soul, a derelict quandary.
I exist, yet am dull, dreary, and shoddy.
And so feel all ignoring the wisdom of the body.

Thoughts On The Death of My Grandfather

I just found out my grandfather died, and though I tried,
I found it hard to mourn for a stranger.

He left my family, 40 years ago,
With tears, pain, and anger.

To his wife he was unfaithful, his children he abandoned,
He was not man enough, his own legs to stand on.

I never met my grandfather,
And about him few words can be said,
His obituary is the saddest, shortest, and loneliest that I’ve ever read.

Post Script: below is the full obituary of my grandfather from legacy.com. Some details omitted for privacy:

“S.J., 84, of Florida, passed away on July, 2012. Avatar Cremation Service.”

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